I don't care about anyone's feelings. Ever.

This is a note that I published on Facebook the day after the election. It was up for twelve hours before someone reported it for 'offensive content' and I am currently on Facebook's version of probation (seriously). It received 32 comments, three people 'shared' it on their profiles, and I've had about a half dozen friend requests from people I don't even know. The reason it was promptly removed by the powers that be at Facebook is because I used everyone's real name. So, in the interest of preserving what little dignity these morons have after being publicly called out on the most popular social networking forum on the planet, I have changed their names in this edition of the note. Here goes:

In the wake of a truly historic presidential election, my friend Brooke thought it would be a great idea to compile a list of ridiculous Facebook statuses for all of us to enjoy. She was right. Now I'll take it one step further (and probably one step too far...it's just my style) and let you know exactly what I think about some of these statuses and the people who wrote them.

NOTE: I don't know the majority of the people on her list, but that doesn't mean I can't make rash assumptions about their intellect and character (and who wouldn't, in light of these blatantly ignorant statuses?). Drumroll...

"Adam Olsen comparing him to FDR, FDR is the worst president ever. Thats from my grandpa." --Wow Adam, that's remarkably insightful...thank you. My grandpa used to tell us he was going to shoot the Easter bunny just to get a rise out of us. And it worked! Ahh memories...

"Ben Gregory is congratulating Joe Biden on his presidential election on January 20, 2009!" --Is this Ben's oh-so-subtle way of predicting Obama's assassination the moment he is sworn into office? I don't know Ben Gregory very well, but it appears he is a man to be respected and feared, given this courageous approach to "treason via Facebook."

"Tom Wilson we would not be in this situation if you had to pass an IQ test to vote." --With all due respect to the Northwest Football program (they deserve it), a few of those guys wouldn't be in this college "situation" if they had to pass a CLASS without the help of professors and coaches turning a blind eye to their academic underachievement. I know there are a few people who agree with me on this matter.

"Derek 'Wildman' Williams is It's the end of the U.S. as we know it!!! Hello Finland." -- Well 'Wildman', according to the US Department of State, Finland has a much lower crime rate than the United States, a highly industrialized free market economy, and a slightly higher per capita income than our country. Doesn't sound so bad, huh?

"Heather Douglas is ready to give the poor/unemployed people her HARD worked money...here ya go..." -- If only you worked as hard at not sounding like an idiot on Facebook as you do for your money, you'd be in a much better position to offer your opinions on Obama's proposed tax policy. At what point did the education system fail you entirely? "Hard worked"...unbelievable.

"Joshua Talbot is time for a change... "Redistribution of wealth" aka. Socialism... and say goodbye to small business.. Nice work america.." -- On the contrary, Mr. Talbot. In fact, small business owners are exactly who Obama will try to help, not hurt. Those "big corporations" whose taxes he proposes to raise? They include companies like Wal-Mart, not 'mom and pop' corner stores.

And now for the statuses that deserve their own special category...much like the people who wrote them. That's right, I'm talking about the one issue that brings out the true whack-jobs of the religious right: abortion. Here are the winners...

"Danielle Smith is ...wow.. the baby killer won.. we are doomed." -- If anyone can tell me exactly how many infants Barack Obama has slain in his lifetime, I will retract everything in this note and issue a formal apology to each of you via radio address, and then I will join a convent and never be heard from again. Until then, I am intellectually obligated to say the following about Danielle Smith and anyone who shares her logic that Barack Obama murders babies: YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT.

"Justin Carpenter is liking the fact the he can finally get that abortion he's had his eye on..."
and...
"Justin Carpenter is glad he doesn't need to use the coat hanger or pushing down the stairs approach anymore..." -- How many abortions have you HAD, man?! More importantly, where have you been since Roe v. Wade was established in 1973? The election of Barack Obama did not suddenly legalize abortion, sir. Nor did it justify the procedure itself or the means by which some people go through with it. At the risk of starting a riot on the comments section of this note, I will say only this in defense of my pro-choice stance on abortion: I am NOT supporting the actual procedure of abortion, I am supporting a woman's RIGHT to choose. Emphasis on "right." Another reason these two statuses are the crescendo of all this balls-to-the-wall ignorance on Facebook? Justin is a man presuming to judge a woman on a decision regarding a woman's body. Go fuck yourself, dude. Hey, at least you can't get pregnant! BADA-BING!

There you have it, guys. I'm spent. Now by all means, tell me what you think.