This is a note that I published on Facebook the day after the election. It was up for twelve hours before someone reported it for 'offensive content' and I am currently on Facebook's version of probation (seriously). It received 32 comments, three people 'shared' it on their profiles, and I've had about a half dozen friend requests from people I don't even know. The reason it was promptly removed by the powers that be at Facebook is because I used everyone's real name. So, in the interest of preserving what little dignity these morons have after being publicly called out on the most popular social networking forum on the planet, I have changed their names in this edition of the note. Here goes:
In the wake of a truly historic presidential election, my friend Brooke thought it would be a great idea to compile a list of ridiculous Facebook statuses for all of us to enjoy. She was right. Now I'll take it one step further (and probably one step too far...it's just my style) and let you know exactly what I think about some of these statuses and the people who wrote them.
NOTE: I don't know the majority of the people on her list, but that doesn't mean I can't make rash assumptions about their intellect and character (and who wouldn't, in light of these blatantly ignorant statuses?). Drumroll...
"Adam Olsen comparing him to FDR, FDR is the worst president ever. Thats from my grandpa." --Wow Adam, that's remarkably insightful...thank you. My grandpa used to tell us he was going to shoot the Easter bunny just to get a rise out of us. And it worked! Ahh memories...
"Ben Gregory is congratulating Joe Biden on his presidential election on January 20, 2009!" --Is this Ben's oh-so-subtle way of predicting Obama's assassination the moment he is sworn into office? I don't know Ben Gregory very well, but it appears he is a man to be respected and feared, given this courageous approach to "treason via Facebook."
"Tom Wilson we would not be in this situation if you had to pass an IQ test to vote." --With all due respect to the Northwest Football program (they deserve it), a few of those guys wouldn't be in this college "situation" if they had to pass a CLASS without the help of professors and coaches turning a blind eye to their academic underachievement. I know there are a few people who agree with me on this matter.
"Derek 'Wildman' Williams is It's the end of the U.S. as we know it!!! Hello Finland." -- Well 'Wildman', according to the US Department of State, Finland has a much lower crime rate than the United States, a highly industrialized free market economy, and a slightly higher per capita income than our country. Doesn't sound so bad, huh?
"Heather Douglas is ready to give the poor/unemployed people her HARD worked money...here ya go..." -- If only you worked as hard at not sounding like an idiot on Facebook as you do for your money, you'd be in a much better position to offer your opinions on Obama's proposed tax policy. At what point did the education system fail you entirely? "Hard worked"...unbelievable.
"Joshua Talbot is time for a change... "Redistribution of wealth" aka. Socialism... and say goodbye to small business.. Nice work america.." -- On the contrary, Mr. Talbot. In fact, small business owners are exactly who Obama will try to help, not hurt. Those "big corporations" whose taxes he proposes to raise? They include companies like Wal-Mart, not 'mom and pop' corner stores.
And now for the statuses that deserve their own special category...much like the people who wrote them. That's right, I'm talking about the one issue that brings out the true whack-jobs of the religious right: abortion. Here are the winners...
"Danielle Smith is ...wow.. the baby killer won.. we are doomed." -- If anyone can tell me exactly how many infants Barack Obama has slain in his lifetime, I will retract everything in this note and issue a formal apology to each of you via radio address, and then I will join a convent and never be heard from again. Until then, I am intellectually obligated to say the following about Danielle Smith and anyone who shares her logic that Barack Obama murders babies: YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT.
"Justin Carpenter is liking the fact the he can finally get that abortion he's had his eye on..."
and...
"Justin Carpenter is glad he doesn't need to use the coat hanger or pushing down the stairs approach anymore..." -- How many abortions have you HAD, man?! More importantly, where have you been since Roe v. Wade was established in 1973? The election of Barack Obama did not suddenly legalize abortion, sir. Nor did it justify the procedure itself or the means by which some people go through with it. At the risk of starting a riot on the comments section of this note, I will say only this in defense of my pro-choice stance on abortion: I am NOT supporting the actual procedure of abortion, I am supporting a woman's RIGHT to choose. Emphasis on "right." Another reason these two statuses are the crescendo of all this balls-to-the-wall ignorance on Facebook? Justin is a man presuming to judge a woman on a decision regarding a woman's body. Go fuck yourself, dude. Hey, at least you can't get pregnant! BADA-BING!
There you have it, guys. I'm spent. Now by all means, tell me what you think.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Sunday, October 5, 2008
I do... have a cure for wedding fever
While watching “Annie” at 10:30 on a Sunday night…
Ashley: “Of course the help in this movie is a Chinaman.”
Me: “Well yeah, this takes place back when it was socially acceptable to call them ‘Chinamen’.”
Ashley: “Is it not okay to call them ‘Chinamen’ now?! He’s a man…from China.” (completely sincere)
Me: “Jesus Ashley, that’s like calling Native Americans ‘injuns’.”
My roommate Ashley clearly has a lot to learn about political correctness, though she is entirely unwilling to do so. She is bright, driven, and responsible in every way, save for her decisions involving men, but that’s another entry entirely (“…that’s what she said”). She lacks a very specific component of the human brain that prevents archaic terms like “Chinamen” from being spoken aloud. She simply says what she wants, when she wants, and doesn’t give a shit who hears it. She’s like the foul-mouthed grandmother everyone puts up with because she’s on her fifth “last Christmas.” Anyway, this little exchange tonight got me thinking about the things we could learn from other cultures. Before you stop reading, you should know that this does not contain a heartwarming message about cultural acceptance…there will be harsh generalizations that will surely offend a few people, so bear with me.
I went to five weddings this summer. Five. They were each a lot of fun and I love all of my married friends dearly, but I can’t help but wonder if 23 is just too young to commit oneself to another person for the rest of his or her natural life. I can’t even commit to the same desk in my Econ class every day, much less another person with feelings and wants and needs and possibly credit problems. Yet for some reason, girls are entering their early twenties in a dead sprint to the altar. I have a solution to this problem, and it’s inspired by a tradition from our friends south of the border…the quinceanera.
In case you’re one of those mouth-breathers who slept through Spanish class all through high school, a quinceanera is a coming-of-age ritual in Hispanic cultures where a girl celebrates her fifteenth birthday by wearing a fancy dress and having a lavish party in her honor. Her family and friends are there, and there is music and dancing and food and drink for all to enjoy while showering said girl with attention and praise.
My solution to underage wedding fever, if you haven’t guessed by now, is to have a similar rite of passage for American women on their 23rd birthdays. However, instead of a sexed up “sweet 16” party, this ritual is an actual wedding—without the legal commitment. You see, my theory on why many women take the plunge so young is that they just want a wedding, not a lifelong commitment to some fucktard they met at a bar in college. They want the white dress, the expensive cake, the Target gift registry, the right to be a heinous bitch to their friends for months, and one night where they are the center of attention. That’s why I propose (pun intended) that every woman be allowed to have a fake wedding at age 23. She can have all the trappings of a wedding without actually marrying anyone, which would allow her to continue her twenties without the stress of hunting for a ring by clawing other women to death like feral cats.
Obviously, in order for this to work, some minor details need to be ironed out, such as—oh I don’t know—a groom. This is actually rather simple…hire a paid actor to stand in as her husband-to-be. He would be exactly like a male stripper in every way, except he’d keep his clothes on and wouldn’t act like a coked out frat boy in front of her grandparents. There could be legitimate businesses based on renting out grooms for these fake weddings—catalogs, referral rates, security deposits, you name it! The groom would be the sort of detail you’d take care of in twenty minutes, and could easily be booked online.
If all young women had fake weddings, they would get the wedding fever out of their systems, thus reducing the likelihood of jumping head first into a real marriage without thinking past bridesmaids and bouquets. Because once the honeymoon is over, ladies, you’re not special anymore, you’re just married. So let’s at least consider adopting our own version of the quinceanera, thereby saving the youth of America from rushing into a marriage and ultimately contributing to our nation’s sky-high divorce rate. ¿Comprende?
Ashley: “Of course the help in this movie is a Chinaman.”
Me: “Well yeah, this takes place back when it was socially acceptable to call them ‘Chinamen’.”
Ashley: “Is it not okay to call them ‘Chinamen’ now?! He’s a man…from China.” (completely sincere)
Me: “Jesus Ashley, that’s like calling Native Americans ‘injuns’.”
My roommate Ashley clearly has a lot to learn about political correctness, though she is entirely unwilling to do so. She is bright, driven, and responsible in every way, save for her decisions involving men, but that’s another entry entirely (“…that’s what she said”). She lacks a very specific component of the human brain that prevents archaic terms like “Chinamen” from being spoken aloud. She simply says what she wants, when she wants, and doesn’t give a shit who hears it. She’s like the foul-mouthed grandmother everyone puts up with because she’s on her fifth “last Christmas.” Anyway, this little exchange tonight got me thinking about the things we could learn from other cultures. Before you stop reading, you should know that this does not contain a heartwarming message about cultural acceptance…there will be harsh generalizations that will surely offend a few people, so bear with me.
I went to five weddings this summer. Five. They were each a lot of fun and I love all of my married friends dearly, but I can’t help but wonder if 23 is just too young to commit oneself to another person for the rest of his or her natural life. I can’t even commit to the same desk in my Econ class every day, much less another person with feelings and wants and needs and possibly credit problems. Yet for some reason, girls are entering their early twenties in a dead sprint to the altar. I have a solution to this problem, and it’s inspired by a tradition from our friends south of the border…the quinceanera.
In case you’re one of those mouth-breathers who slept through Spanish class all through high school, a quinceanera is a coming-of-age ritual in Hispanic cultures where a girl celebrates her fifteenth birthday by wearing a fancy dress and having a lavish party in her honor. Her family and friends are there, and there is music and dancing and food and drink for all to enjoy while showering said girl with attention and praise.
My solution to underage wedding fever, if you haven’t guessed by now, is to have a similar rite of passage for American women on their 23rd birthdays. However, instead of a sexed up “sweet 16” party, this ritual is an actual wedding—without the legal commitment. You see, my theory on why many women take the plunge so young is that they just want a wedding, not a lifelong commitment to some fucktard they met at a bar in college. They want the white dress, the expensive cake, the Target gift registry, the right to be a heinous bitch to their friends for months, and one night where they are the center of attention. That’s why I propose (pun intended) that every woman be allowed to have a fake wedding at age 23. She can have all the trappings of a wedding without actually marrying anyone, which would allow her to continue her twenties without the stress of hunting for a ring by clawing other women to death like feral cats.
Obviously, in order for this to work, some minor details need to be ironed out, such as—oh I don’t know—a groom. This is actually rather simple…hire a paid actor to stand in as her husband-to-be. He would be exactly like a male stripper in every way, except he’d keep his clothes on and wouldn’t act like a coked out frat boy in front of her grandparents. There could be legitimate businesses based on renting out grooms for these fake weddings—catalogs, referral rates, security deposits, you name it! The groom would be the sort of detail you’d take care of in twenty minutes, and could easily be booked online.
If all young women had fake weddings, they would get the wedding fever out of their systems, thus reducing the likelihood of jumping head first into a real marriage without thinking past bridesmaids and bouquets. Because once the honeymoon is over, ladies, you’re not special anymore, you’re just married. So let’s at least consider adopting our own version of the quinceanera, thereby saving the youth of America from rushing into a marriage and ultimately contributing to our nation’s sky-high divorce rate. ¿Comprende?
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Letter to Sarah Palin...
Dear Sarah Palin,
Hey girl heeeey! I’m soOoOo excited that you’re running for Vice President of the United States, I’m totally voting for you!
I gotta tell ya girl, it wasn’t easy arriving at my decision. You see, I was leaning towards Barack Obama because I agree with his stance on many important issues, and I was kind of hoping he’d pick Hillary Clinton as his running mate because, again, I agree with the things she wants for our country. But then he chose Joe Biden who, well, just isn’t as good as Hillary in my book. But, nevertheless, I was still leaning toward the Democrats because their views mesh pretty well with mine.
That all changed when John McCain brought you on board. I completely forgot about all my values and opinions…I’m all about GIRL POWER now! I don’t even care that you want to overturn Roe v. Wade and take away a woman’s right to choose… because your shoes are TO DIE FOR! I mean, seriously, who has time to think about boring things like reproductive rights with the season premiere of “Desperate Housewives” just around the corner?
I can’t believe all those mean things the Democrats are saying about you. So your only real political experience has been governing Alaska for two years…big deal! I certainly don’t mind…not when your outfits are that cute! You and I would make a GREAT shopping duo, I can just tell. Just keep me away from Macy’s, I’ll go nuts in there!
I was a little worried at first about your position on gay marriage, because I thought to myself, “Why can’t two people who love each other get married? Does their gender really matter?”… then during your speech at the Republican National Convention, I noticed those ADORABLE glasses! I immediately ignored my better judgment and jumped on the McCain/Palin train…next stop, the White House!
Thank goodness the Republicans nominated you, a woman, as the Vice Presidential candidate! It’s such a relief to toss aside my personal beliefs and blindly follow you and John McCain. I bet you’re already shopping for interior décor for the White House; I can’t wait to see what you do with the Lincoln room! Well darlin’ I’d love to chat all day, but this laundry isn’t going to do itself! Wouldn’t that be nice ; )
You GO girl!
With love,
Every female voter in the United States (according to the GOP)
Hey girl heeeey! I’m soOoOo excited that you’re running for Vice President of the United States, I’m totally voting for you!
I gotta tell ya girl, it wasn’t easy arriving at my decision. You see, I was leaning towards Barack Obama because I agree with his stance on many important issues, and I was kind of hoping he’d pick Hillary Clinton as his running mate because, again, I agree with the things she wants for our country. But then he chose Joe Biden who, well, just isn’t as good as Hillary in my book. But, nevertheless, I was still leaning toward the Democrats because their views mesh pretty well with mine.
That all changed when John McCain brought you on board. I completely forgot about all my values and opinions…I’m all about GIRL POWER now! I don’t even care that you want to overturn Roe v. Wade and take away a woman’s right to choose… because your shoes are TO DIE FOR! I mean, seriously, who has time to think about boring things like reproductive rights with the season premiere of “Desperate Housewives” just around the corner?
I can’t believe all those mean things the Democrats are saying about you. So your only real political experience has been governing Alaska for two years…big deal! I certainly don’t mind…not when your outfits are that cute! You and I would make a GREAT shopping duo, I can just tell. Just keep me away from Macy’s, I’ll go nuts in there!
I was a little worried at first about your position on gay marriage, because I thought to myself, “Why can’t two people who love each other get married? Does their gender really matter?”… then during your speech at the Republican National Convention, I noticed those ADORABLE glasses! I immediately ignored my better judgment and jumped on the McCain/Palin train…next stop, the White House!
Thank goodness the Republicans nominated you, a woman, as the Vice Presidential candidate! It’s such a relief to toss aside my personal beliefs and blindly follow you and John McCain. I bet you’re already shopping for interior décor for the White House; I can’t wait to see what you do with the Lincoln room! Well darlin’ I’d love to chat all day, but this laundry isn’t going to do itself! Wouldn’t that be nice ; )
You GO girl!
With love,
Every female voter in the United States (according to the GOP)
A few observations about the VMAs...
I watched MTV's Video Music Awards tonight, and I have a few casual observations I'd like to share, along with several questions. And because it's 1:00 am and I'm not much for transitions, I'll just give you a numbered list...
1. Who the hell is Russell Brand and why is he famous? I am reasonably in touch with pop culture. I read blogs, I flip through Us Weekly every chance I get, I watch E News. But I have no clue who this creepy, ratty-haired assclown is, nor do I know what he does that makes him popular enough to host an award show in the United States. Great Britain is on my shit list right now, because all they've given us lately is this scary bastard and Amy Winehouse. Speaking of the nearly dead...
2. What was the deal with the audience? Did any of them have a pulse? I realize that none of the performances were worth a shit, and that Russell Brand freaked everyone out with his "Willy Wonka meets Hannibal Lecter" creepiness, but the crowd was so comatose that it was almost unbearable to watch.
3. Britney Spears actually looked good. And sober. Girl's had a rough year, cut her some slack already.
4. I bet Disney shelled out some serious money when they purchased the Jonas Brothers from their parents. Whoever is in charge of marketing these dorky little songbirds deserves a promotion, because they have every 13 year old girl in the country in a frenzy for their merchandise and their sub-par music. They couldn't even leave the Disney studio to perform for the VMAs. That set looked like Sesame Street...I was waiting for Elmo to say "this performance is brought to you by the letter A!"
5. Perez Hilton is not funny. There, I said it. I know I'm in the minority here, but trust me when I say that his website is shit-awful compared to the wildly underrated wwtdd.com.
6. I might just phreak out if I see one more phucking television show pheaturing Michael Phelps. The only time I care to see this gangly nerd on TV is when he's annihilating the competition in the pool. If Saturday Night Live was still funny, I'd be upset that he is hosting it...but his speech impediment and awkward stage presence might actually help that show and its piss poor content.
That's about all I have for now...
1. Who the hell is Russell Brand and why is he famous? I am reasonably in touch with pop culture. I read blogs, I flip through Us Weekly every chance I get, I watch E News. But I have no clue who this creepy, ratty-haired assclown is, nor do I know what he does that makes him popular enough to host an award show in the United States. Great Britain is on my shit list right now, because all they've given us lately is this scary bastard and Amy Winehouse. Speaking of the nearly dead...
2. What was the deal with the audience? Did any of them have a pulse? I realize that none of the performances were worth a shit, and that Russell Brand freaked everyone out with his "Willy Wonka meets Hannibal Lecter" creepiness, but the crowd was so comatose that it was almost unbearable to watch.
3. Britney Spears actually looked good. And sober. Girl's had a rough year, cut her some slack already.
4. I bet Disney shelled out some serious money when they purchased the Jonas Brothers from their parents. Whoever is in charge of marketing these dorky little songbirds deserves a promotion, because they have every 13 year old girl in the country in a frenzy for their merchandise and their sub-par music. They couldn't even leave the Disney studio to perform for the VMAs. That set looked like Sesame Street...I was waiting for Elmo to say "this performance is brought to you by the letter A!"
5. Perez Hilton is not funny. There, I said it. I know I'm in the minority here, but trust me when I say that his website is shit-awful compared to the wildly underrated wwtdd.com.
6. I might just phreak out if I see one more phucking television show pheaturing Michael Phelps. The only time I care to see this gangly nerd on TV is when he's annihilating the competition in the pool. If Saturday Night Live was still funny, I'd be upset that he is hosting it...but his speech impediment and awkward stage presence might actually help that show and its piss poor content.
That's about all I have for now...
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