ugh.

Bachelorette parties almost always mean excessive drinking and total loss of dignity. Last night was one of those nights.

FUCK.

T.M.F.I.

Dear New Moms of Facebook,

Congratulations on your new baby! He is absolutely adorable! You and your family must be so proud of the new addition, that's so great!

It was really considerate of you to post pictures of the little guy, especially the ones taken mere seconds after his birth. I really enjoyed casually scrolling down my home page while I ate breakfast only to come across pictures of your brand new baby covered in a layer of yellow film and blood. What an angel!

The umbilical cord is much more fascinating in real life than in the movies... I'm so glad you included fourteen graphic photos of it in your album! It's definitely one of those things that should be shared among family, close friends, co-workers, and any of your nine hundred friends on a social networking website. What's inside those lumps on the cord? Is it partially digested food mixed with bile? Could you post a 'note' about it when you get a chance... we're all dying to know!

Facebook really is wonderful, isn't it? Without Facebook, we wouldn't accidentally learn what a C-section looks like, or how far apart your contractions were for the eighteen hours leading up to your delivery. Thanks, Mark Zuckerberg! Anyway, I won't keep you for too long; according to your latest status update and mobile picture upload, your veiny unattractive breasts are engorged with milk and it's time to feed the little one! Yay!

Be sure to keep all of us posted on your baby's feeding schedule, frequency of bowel movements, and the rest of life's little moments that make being a new mom so special.

Thanks again moms!

Sarah

Parents: (Bleep) you

According to Yahoo! news, a new sitcom starring William Shatner is already under fire from whiny piss-ant parents, and it hasn't even aired yet. The title of the show is "(Bleep) My Dad Says" and a series of symbols implying an expletive is used in lieu of Bleep. Something like this: @$#*&. Scared shitless for the future of America's delicate youth? Some people are...

The Parents Television Council has apparently sent letters to 340 companies who advertise on CBS demanding to pull ad dollars until the show's title is changed. This "council" consists of parents with a common goal of protecting their precious children from the horrors of television media, and also to ensure that their children have no friends and remain virgins until they're forty.

Okay. I don't have any children, clearly. But if I did, I can think of about ninety other things I'd be worried about over the fucking TITLE of a television show that isn't even an actual word, just a bunch of punctuation. Is it just me, or are today's parents creating a generation of spineless, passive aggressive, overmedicated, overstimulated, overindulged children who are going to ruin this country? I wasn't a kid that long ago, in the grand scheme of things, but so much has changed for kids now and I'm literally terrified of the future. Today's kid has the following things at his/her disposal:

• Television with hundreds of channels in their bedrooms
• XBox, Playstation, etc.
• Constant access to the internet
• Personal cell phones, many of which have unrestricted web access
• Medication prescribed for "ADHD", also known as "being a fucking kid"
• Partial, if not complete, control of household disposable income
• Credit cards
• Clothing designed for adults (particularly women) but sold in kids' sizes

Here is what I had when I was a kid:

• A basketball hoop without a net and an underinflated ball marked "Dustin" (previous owner before it rolled into my yard, thus becoming my property)
• Sidewalk chalk
• Chores
• A one-peice bathing suit
• An imagination
• Curfew of "when the streetlights turn on"

Here is what our parents had as kids:

• Rocks
• AM/FM radio

Here is what our grandparents had as kids:

• Jobs

It's bad enough that parents are giving their children pussified names like "Sutton" and "Braxton", but they aren't even letting them compete with other kids. Nobody keeps score in kids' sports games anymore. I'm pretty sure that actual letter grades aren't used in some schools, but replaced with what I assume is a picture of a smiley face or a puppy or a pretty flower. Parents are worried about all the wrong things, like the title of William Shatner's shitty sitcom, or whether little Trystyn will be sad if his soccer team loses.

What they should be worried about are the "idols" of tweenybopper culture like Miley Cyrus and that vapid retard from "iCarly" who is all over the radio for some reason. These people are the reason that little girls are self conscious about their bodies and the tags of their clothes and what they need to do to gain the affection of older boys. Rather than sending angry emails to CBS over the title of a show, turn off the fucking television and talk to your kid about something. Anything. Take them outside and throw a ball around or draw something in sidewalk chalk all over the driveway. Occupy twenty minutes that would otherwise be spent ingesting bullshit advertising on the Disney channel aimed at turning your kids in to mindless brand-whores.

And for fuck's sake, cut your kids' teachers some slack. Because of you, they have a harder job than you can imagine.

They're heeee-eerrrrre (creepy Poltergeist girl style)

So this is my long awaited re-entry into the blogosphere. I am technologically illiterate and thus could not figure out how to create an entirely new blog on this thing, so I'll just re-vamp my old one.

Consider everything before this post (most of it almost two years old) to be shit. I'm starting over. The purpose of these updates is to share with you all my opinions on pop culture, my immediate surroundings, Corporate America, and the like. Expect strong profanity.

To Sara, Coop, and Lori: Happy now? ;)