Facebook is completely out of fucking control. Social networking isn't even 'networking' anymore. It's a forum for average people unaccustomed to attention battling for, well, attention. The latest and most annoying trend thus far is the frequent status update aimed at cultivating compliments and/or reassurance from peers. Allow me to break them into categories with examples:
The "Tell Me I'm Pretty"
Example: '...well, I guess he's just not the one for me.. should have known..'
Desired response: 'Girl, you can do way better than him! You're gorgeous and aMaZiNg!'
What it means: You've had a string of unsuccessful relationships that never last more than a few months. Upon the inevitable demise of each relationship, your gaggle of dingbat friends convince you that it's "totally not your fault", and that he is the asshole who "doesn't know what he's missing". Yes, he's definitely the one at fault. It couldn't possibly be your obsessive need for assurance and affirmation. Or the fact that you drunkenly said "I love you" nine days into the relationship. Or your inability to make a decision without consulting your mom. Or the fact that you have a copy/pasted picture of an engagement ring from Helzberg's website as the desktop background on your computer. It's his fault. He's the asshole. You go, girl.
The "Feel Sorry For Me"
Example: '...wish this could all be over...'
Desired response: 'Keep your head up girl, I'm here for you! This too shall pass!'
What it means: You are chronically incapable of handling challenges and you take every opportunity to blame others for your problems. You don't understand daily affairs that most adults handle because your parents have kept you in a constant state of blissful stupor for the last 23 years. If asked at gunpoint which company carries your car insurance policy, you would just shout out a color or a celebrity. "Car insurance?! Umm... Kim Kardashian!" Get a fucking grip and stop forcing innocent Facebook friends to have a front row seat to your incompetence.
The "Ambiguous Reference to Ex-Boyfriend"
Example: '...guess some people will never change..'
Desired response: 'Your right about that! Remember, everything happens for a reason! Call me tomarrow!'
What it means: You broke up with [insert ex-boyfriend] three years ago and on occasion, you get hammered and text him in the middle of the night. Said ex-boyfriend either does not return your text or he replies with something that you don't want to hear. Then, after repeated attempts to either rekindle an old flame or pick a fight, he inevitably stops responding and you slip into a deep depression that can only be cured with pints upon pints of Ben & Jerry's and a smattering of reassuring comments from your equally vapid friends, all of which are sure to contain cliche phrases and glaring spelling errors (see example).
The "Not So Ambiguous Reference to a Feud Among Friends"
Example: '...some people are SO immature...'
Desired response: 'Yeah I know, some people are so stupid.. good thing your bEsTiEs will always be there for you! Phone date soon!'
What it means: You and your friends are maddeningly passive-aggressive, and whenever you have a disagreement, you publicly address the issue using cutting remarks aimed at no one person in particular. Although by now, all of your friends know the identity of your target, and will post equally bitchy comments reassuring you that you're the bigger person. Bonus points if this feud began over a guy. Double bonus points if that guy hates both of you.
The "Someone Please Ask Me What's Wrong"
Example: ' ..... '
Desired response: [anything]
What it means: You are fat.*
*Before you condemn me for being an insensitive piece of shit, think about it. It's true, right? Ha. I knew you'd agree. You're a fucking asshole.
No comments:
Post a Comment