I do... have a cure for wedding fever

While watching “Annie” at 10:30 on a Sunday night…
Ashley: “Of course the help in this movie is a Chinaman.”
Me: “Well yeah, this takes place back when it was socially acceptable to call them ‘Chinamen’.”
Ashley: “Is it not okay to call them ‘Chinamen’ now?! He’s a man…from China.” (completely sincere)
Me: “Jesus Ashley, that’s like calling Native Americans ‘injuns’.”

My roommate Ashley clearly has a lot to learn about political correctness, though she is entirely unwilling to do so. She is bright, driven, and responsible in every way, save for her decisions involving men, but that’s another entry entirely (“…that’s what she said”). She lacks a very specific component of the human brain that prevents archaic terms like “Chinamen” from being spoken aloud. She simply says what she wants, when she wants, and doesn’t give a shit who hears it. She’s like the foul-mouthed grandmother everyone puts up with because she’s on her fifth “last Christmas.” Anyway, this little exchange tonight got me thinking about the things we could learn from other cultures. Before you stop reading, you should know that this does not contain a heartwarming message about cultural acceptance…there will be harsh generalizations that will surely offend a few people, so bear with me.

I went to five weddings this summer. Five. They were each a lot of fun and I love all of my married friends dearly, but I can’t help but wonder if 23 is just too young to commit oneself to another person for the rest of his or her natural life. I can’t even commit to the same desk in my Econ class every day, much less another person with feelings and wants and needs and possibly credit problems. Yet for some reason, girls are entering their early twenties in a dead sprint to the altar. I have a solution to this problem, and it’s inspired by a tradition from our friends south of the border…the quinceanera.

In case you’re one of those mouth-breathers who slept through Spanish class all through high school, a quinceanera is a coming-of-age ritual in Hispanic cultures where a girl celebrates her fifteenth birthday by wearing a fancy dress and having a lavish party in her honor. Her family and friends are there, and there is music and dancing and food and drink for all to enjoy while showering said girl with attention and praise.

My solution to underage wedding fever, if you haven’t guessed by now, is to have a similar rite of passage for American women on their 23rd birthdays. However, instead of a sexed up “sweet 16” party, this ritual is an actual wedding—without the legal commitment. You see, my theory on why many women take the plunge so young is that they just want a wedding, not a lifelong commitment to some fucktard they met at a bar in college. They want the white dress, the expensive cake, the Target gift registry, the right to be a heinous bitch to their friends for months, and one night where they are the center of attention. That’s why I propose (pun intended) that every woman be allowed to have a fake wedding at age 23. She can have all the trappings of a wedding without actually marrying anyone, which would allow her to continue her twenties without the stress of hunting for a ring by clawing other women to death like feral cats.

Obviously, in order for this to work, some minor details need to be ironed out, such as—oh I don’t know—a groom. This is actually rather simple…hire a paid actor to stand in as her husband-to-be. He would be exactly like a male stripper in every way, except he’d keep his clothes on and wouldn’t act like a coked out frat boy in front of her grandparents. There could be legitimate businesses based on renting out grooms for these fake weddings—catalogs, referral rates, security deposits, you name it! The groom would be the sort of detail you’d take care of in twenty minutes, and could easily be booked online.

If all young women had fake weddings, they would get the wedding fever out of their systems, thus reducing the likelihood of jumping head first into a real marriage without thinking past bridesmaids and bouquets. Because once the honeymoon is over, ladies, you’re not special anymore, you’re just married. So let’s at least consider adopting our own version of the quinceanera, thereby saving the youth of America from rushing into a marriage and ultimately contributing to our nation’s sky-high divorce rate. ¿Comprende?

Letter to Sarah Palin...

Dear Sarah Palin,

Hey girl heeeey! I’m soOoOo excited that you’re running for Vice President of the United States, I’m totally voting for you!

I gotta tell ya girl, it wasn’t easy arriving at my decision. You see, I was leaning towards Barack Obama because I agree with his stance on many important issues, and I was kind of hoping he’d pick Hillary Clinton as his running mate because, again, I agree with the things she wants for our country. But then he chose Joe Biden who, well, just isn’t as good as Hillary in my book. But, nevertheless, I was still leaning toward the Democrats because their views mesh pretty well with mine.

That all changed when John McCain brought you on board. I completely forgot about all my values and opinions…I’m all about GIRL POWER now! I don’t even care that you want to overturn Roe v. Wade and take away a woman’s right to choose… because your shoes are TO DIE FOR! I mean, seriously, who has time to think about boring things like reproductive rights with the season premiere of “Desperate Housewives” just around the corner?

I can’t believe all those mean things the Democrats are saying about you. So your only real political experience has been governing Alaska for two years…big deal! I certainly don’t mind…not when your outfits are that cute! You and I would make a GREAT shopping duo, I can just tell. Just keep me away from Macy’s, I’ll go nuts in there!

I was a little worried at first about your position on gay marriage, because I thought to myself, “Why can’t two people who love each other get married? Does their gender really matter?”… then during your speech at the Republican National Convention, I noticed those ADORABLE glasses! I immediately ignored my better judgment and jumped on the McCain/Palin train…next stop, the White House!

Thank goodness the Republicans nominated you, a woman, as the Vice Presidential candidate! It’s such a relief to toss aside my personal beliefs and blindly follow you and John McCain. I bet you’re already shopping for interior décor for the White House; I can’t wait to see what you do with the Lincoln room! Well darlin’ I’d love to chat all day, but this laundry isn’t going to do itself! Wouldn’t that be nice ; )

You GO girl!

With love,

Every female voter in the United States (according to the GOP)

A few observations about the VMAs...

I watched MTV's Video Music Awards tonight, and I have a few casual observations I'd like to share, along with several questions. And because it's 1:00 am and I'm not much for transitions, I'll just give you a numbered list...

1. Who the hell is Russell Brand and why is he famous? I am reasonably in touch with pop culture. I read blogs, I flip through Us Weekly every chance I get, I watch E News. But I have no clue who this creepy, ratty-haired assclown is, nor do I know what he does that makes him popular enough to host an award show in the United States. Great Britain is on my shit list right now, because all they've given us lately is this scary bastard and Amy Winehouse. Speaking of the nearly dead...

2. What was the deal with the audience? Did any of them have a pulse? I realize that none of the performances were worth a shit, and that Russell Brand freaked everyone out with his "Willy Wonka meets Hannibal Lecter" creepiness, but the crowd was so comatose that it was almost unbearable to watch.

3. Britney Spears actually looked good. And sober. Girl's had a rough year, cut her some slack already.

4. I bet Disney shelled out some serious money when they purchased the Jonas Brothers from their parents. Whoever is in charge of marketing these dorky little songbirds deserves a promotion, because they have every 13 year old girl in the country in a frenzy for their merchandise and their sub-par music. They couldn't even leave the Disney studio to perform for the VMAs. That set looked like Sesame Street...I was waiting for Elmo to say "this performance is brought to you by the letter A!"

5. Perez Hilton is not funny. There, I said it. I know I'm in the minority here, but trust me when I say that his website is shit-awful compared to the wildly underrated wwtdd.com.

6. I might just phreak out if I see one more phucking television show pheaturing Michael Phelps. The only time I care to see this gangly nerd on TV is when he's annihilating the competition in the pool. If Saturday Night Live was still funny, I'd be upset that he is hosting it...but his speech impediment and awkward stage presence might actually help that show and its piss poor content.

That's about all I have for now...